Hi there.
My name is Andrea and I am a FEAR breeder. I used to be a
photographer, and a business owner, and a blog writer. Well, I guess I am still
a blog writer – and that is a step in the right direction I guess!
So my blog and my online presence has been a bit …. sporadic
for a while now. Let’s not dress it in a pretty bow or skirt around the truth. Let
me just say I have been slack with my blog. Phew that was easier than I
thought!
Though the want has been there the courage has not. I am
suffering from the FEAR. Duh duh duuuuuh!
The fear of getting back online and putting myself out
there, of starting the creative process again, and making my ideas and thoughts
and creations public and open to comment.
You know what happens when you dare to create and show
people what you are capable of? Peope might take notice, and have an opinion.
It means that someone might not like something I have made, or think I am
worthy of being called a creative, they might find the words that I am writing
uninteresting and not worthy of spending their time on (yawn). They might just
not care……. then where would I be? Well I guess the same place I am now. No
further forward. But I would be because at least I had done it. Well that was a
revelation I didn't see coming.
I
have spent so long worrying about not being good enough, I have just stopped
being; and have just let my drive, and my love of creating, and the dream of
being something more just wither, and start to die.
I can almost feel it crumbling through my fingers with every week
that passes, while I feel paralysed, to scared to act. Not knowing where to
start.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been busy coming up with ‘ideas’
for new projects, scribbling away in the notebook I keep with me, but I have
not managed to make myself take the next step.
Then only this morning on the bus to work with my notebook in
my lap, desperately trying to think of something creative, and interesting to
write for a blog post I finally started to get a bit angry with myself. Another
year has slipped by and what have I got to show for it? Another notebook of
scribbles and doodles for ideas that I would like to do .. one day. Another
year being held back by my own negativity and fear, and preconception of what people
think. Another year of endless bullshit excuses about why I can’t or haven’t.
What does it even matter at this point what people think of
what I am doing? By the very act of doing SOMETHING I will be doing something
more than many other people will ever do. I will have actually achieved
something that I can feel proud of, because I made it. It came from me and
became real.
So being a photographer or an artist will not change the
world or (in most cases) or contribute to a higher cause, but it is also, not
just getting lost in your 9-5 job; just waiting. Waiting for when the time is
right, waiting until I stopped feeling scared, waiting for my self confidence
to return, for someone to say ‘hey why aren't you doing photography anymore I
really loved your stuff’. Waiting to stop feeling drained by constantly
worrying about this stuff.
Not doing something because it won’t be perfect, or I
haven’t had a chance to shoot just the right accompanying image to go with the
blog post. Don’t get me wrong, good images and photography can lift a blog onto
another level and make it a whole new enjoyable experience and helps keep the
reader engaged, but to do nothing at all just because of this is not a good
enough reason.
So why did I start blogging orinally? Well really it came
along with my photography business. As a promotional tool originally to tell
people what I was up to, and an opportunity to use it as a mini gallery to
showcase images that would not always get to see the light of day otherwise.
I don’t think I had that driving need to be a blogger, but
when I started, blogging was not as massive as it is now, but was on its way.
All my focus was on the photography and the business and the blog was a part of
that. But slowly it evolved as things do, and it has tried to be a few things,
and had a few different voices over the years. Initially I remember writing
very formally and stiffly in a business voice – be official. But as I have got
older it has mellowed, and chilled. I am not formal in real life. I am much more
of a class clown, clumsy, silly, dancy, snorty when I laugh and this writing
style seemed false. Yet still it has taken a long time to start writing with my
real voice, and it is a relief and when I do finally start writing things come
a lot easier.
Now my photography business has closed I still feel drawn to
blog. Sometimes I wondered if it was out of habit, the feeling of obligation,
as if I was spreading very important pearls of wisdom that no one should be
without, that someone somewhere might miss my ramblings. Huh!
Now I am beginning to think it is just a way to reach out to
other people, express myself, and if I have something I feel proud of to share,
why not? If I have learnt a cool new thing that other people can learn why not
share it? More and more I have been wanting to use it as a way to shout about
the greatness of other people who have taken the leap and created the life they
wanted and made their own small business. I applaud that and have become a bit
of a cheerleader for the small business and the entrepreneur.
As my blog starts to enter into another phase I want it to
be for people who want a creative life for themselves, for those who love
making, and expressing, maybe those who have the same worries as I do. For
people who love to be by the sea, and spend time near the beach. Who have
passion and drive for something else. I also want to start to learn to love
myself more ( I am getting to old to be all about the judging and criticising
of everything about me – it is exhausting.) I want to help other women feel
that they can learn some self love too, little changes add up to lots.
Be
gentle to yourself. I think that might start to become my new mantra.
Somewhere
in the hopefully not to distant future I would also like it to be a showcase
for my e-shop (Folksy or Etsy) to let people know what I have done. I also
think that my blog is due a facelift and a bit of a re-do. Get it in line with
where I want to be and where I hope to be going.
In
the meantime I would like to tell you about something I am excited about. We
are going to finally get around to decorating our house! Not amazing or
exciting to some people this has been a LONG time coming. This is our first
house that we have bought but because of lots of complications over the last few
years and financial problems we never thought that we would get to this stage,
and to be honest even as I am writing this there is no guarantee that it will
work out for us now due to stuff going on, but I am fed up of waiting for our
future and destiny to be in the laps of other people so we are
doing it anyway. It is only the lounge but we have a lovely colour and I am
accessorising it with a gorgeous magenta purple and it should be a nice calming
yet grown up room with cool unique touches that makes it ours. I will of course
be sharing the transformation, and when I do that will also share the before
and afters of our garden that we have just finished. We are making our own
space and after all these years of waiting for this chance it sure feels good.
I hope you pop back to this blog occasionally and check out
what’s new. I would like this to be a place you can find inspiration, or just a
place to hang out where you know that there is someone else who feels like you
do, that has the same worries and tribulations about wanting to have a creative
life, but who can’t stop coming back for more and trying again!
One step at a time is better than a great big arse print
on the sofa! Tweet that if you want!
Hope to see you again soon.
Andrea
Andrea
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ReplyDeleteI had similar problem with my YouTube channel but once you get back into it you're so glad you did! I'm also part of this challenge if you want to check my post out :D
ReplyDeletewww.alicemay.org